a boring me! =)

it's a boring day where a boring girl sitting in front of a boring laptop and think of what to do in the next boring seconds...

hahahahahaha~ i am indeed boring.. to an extent, i wanted to spam my own facebook with my own self-absorbed picture.. a selca!!! i mean selcaSSS!!! =)

but then to think that it might be nuisance to my friends in facebook, i think i shall spam it here~ =)

im not trying to say i am pretty, or to be so proud of myself... i know i am not pretty...
and being confidence about my own look, isnt something in my dictionary~ =)

but then, a discussion from yesterday makes me realize it's okay that one is not beautiful, it's okay u are not pretty, it's okay u are not the hottest girl in the class neither the sexy chicks that everyone wants.. it doest matter if u had just an average look and a simple girl~

but as long as you yourself are proud of who u are, to be who u wants to be, and look just amazingly like yourself, and confidently walking down the road, people will notice that charm of yours~ =)

i should learn that conclusion... and well, being a girl next door, is a matter in fact, the hardest type of girl u can be~ =)

soulmate

i always felt that the relationship between 2 homosapiens is magical..

for 2 different person, of different world to come together and be friends, isnt it amazing to know how could both cope with each other??? some people had what we called social loveable and some who hardly get one to talk on..but then, i believe in our life, we will eventually had at least 1 person who we can open up our heart.. =)

i always believe it is not fate that makes one likeable or forever alone.. but it was how one acts toward another..
but then, what it takes for one to be socially acceptable?? am i using the right word??? i might look like a social butterfly to one, and anti-social to another.. if u knew me well, i am a social butterfly~ =D

anyway, what it takes to link 2 person of different DNA, of different behaviour and different opinions together??? i know some had a friend who have everything so similar to themselves and they call it soulmate.. but then soulmate could be of different people with different personality right..

~~~

i dont know bout' urs but here is what i think.. =) no hard feeling but it is always my own personal view.. xD

i believe that not a person in this world is perfect...personality wise or attitude wise.. im nt a person who is so saint or noble either... nobody in this world is so perfect in mentally, physically or socially unless u are self-declared god (that too, isnt perfect)..

for 2 person to come together and be friends, it is always acceptance... acceptance and tolerance and understanding.. why is it this??
like i had said before, nobody in this world is as perfect as they would think they are... =) eventually there will be something that hurts the other.. one man's rose is always another man's thorn.. =) but then to accept who they are instead of changing who they are, to tolerate their attitude by accepting who they are, and to understand them internally instead of externally... gradually, we will adapt to the person.. we have high adaptation skill arent we?? human adapts to their things around them so quick that they dont even realised it.. =)

isnt complaining for who they are, what they did and then to hold on grudges and hatred is something tiring..it well at least exhaust me mentally..
some people ask me before, how can you tolerate your friends for what they had did??

i do..i do get angry for a certain time, but in the time of getting angry, i asked myself back.. is it a fault of a person or it is a fault of 2 way??? if you would ever be friend in the first place, why is it a conflicts that could break off a friendship?? what is the feeling of the 1st time when we had became friend??

here i am talking about close friends not superficial friend.. it has differ.. i admit that not all people i am hanging out around, are my close friends.. well, everyone had friends who are superficial as well as deep~ =)

in that process, understanding starts to take place.. yes, i start to know, so that is what she/he really are... so?? am i forego that friends??
nobody in this world is a saint, that is at least what i believe.... then accept the person for who they are if you are going to hold on the person as your friends...
eventually u will adapt to that person for who they are.. =)

when u accept and adapt, whatever they do, like previously, you wouldnt have hurt that much as the 1st time.. isnt it?? at one point, u would have laugh at their action.. =)
adapt and grow up in the process... this survival skill would have benefit one in any environment that one live in.. at one stage of life, u will have met at least 100 different attitude and character.. are we going to live our life miserably because we couldnt have one person to have open up our mind in that particular place??

or are we going to change the view of it and live with it??? if we keep on going back to past and to hang on to only one person and to think that she/he is the only friend that you could have in your lifetime, what happen if one day that person left your world??? is that mean u gonna be just like the forever alone meme??

people dont walk to your door and knock and say let's be soulmate.. even if there is, but if you would have been so rigid in your feeling and views, i feel, that 2 person wouldnt be close friends...even if they appear to be close, but then to what extend?? if one thing could had rock their relationship, will it end just like that?? and if that happen, what would happen??

to be over calculative and to measure every depth and weight of a friendship, to have motive and to plan out a strategy in making friend and to fake all loveable traits instead of showing the real traits, arent all this tire you out??

i truly believe that if you are a friend to one... they accept you for who you are, not change who you arent. because by changing your own friend, is that person the same person who u first met??? the 1st person who u said HI to??

this is at least what i think...
i am as simple as that...whatever i do, as long as i think it soothe my heart and i think it is right, i would done it... and well of course sincerely..
but could it be in this world today that being so simple is actually complicated in the other's eyes and hard to interpret?? and to be complicated it is easier to be guess??

maybe i should be a little more complicated.. hahahaha~ =) well at least, some people dont need to guess me so hard.. xD
but then, i need some teaching to be complicated~ =)

relationship

yes,im back to my own blog, after updating other people blog for the past 2 weeks... =(

and it seems like im not coming back with the usual jumpy mood i have... neither coming back with nice topic to discuss with..
i am back..with full of sadness and emoness and depressive and just let me be childish for a moment throwing tantrum here ....

am i being over emotional recently?? i know that recently i had been in not so smooth mood...
someone once said that to listen to what other people have to say is what the reflection of others to us.. im picking it up, and i am listening to it.. but am i being in the fault for being over emotional on that certain issue??

to do nothing wrong, to get a cold reaction, to be ignored.. and to be outcast like i had done something bad.. to had others thinking i am wrong, to had others blame me, to some extent i think i did something wrong... to hold it inside, to calm myself down quietly in my heart, and then to almost bust, to break down and to cried...
then a msg sent...not even verbally...

to go thru such emotional trauma... am i being wrong for ignoring her?? am i being egoistic enough for not taking the initial step to say HI??

dont i deserved a rights to get angry? dont i deserved a right to say no, bt i cant accept the whole scene??

u might be asking, why am i caring all those words?? why i let myself to be hurt?? i can just ignore what those people had to say...
i might be stupid enough to think, even housemate, it should be someone to close enough to call close friends..
i rather to believe what they have to say even most of the times it is a joke than to stop believing them...

to count ..i never cried once in the 2 years of my form 6, cried once when im hosteller (for 2 years), and to cry numerous times in my 2 years stay in this house..
why is it so hard to stay together??

i think i had been very straight forward, very simple minded to an extent, an absent mind...
am i that hard to mingle around ?? is it a problem of i alone or was it others??
is it hard to treasure a friend?? i tried to ignore bt not till they say they could be someone i could be counting on..

i have no idea if they had a motive themselves...bt to me, to be staying together could be a fate.. to be together as friend, there is nothing to be calculative on...
i might be thinking too much and to put myself in a bad state...

but everytime something went wrong, i couldnt help bt to notice the bad look....and couldnt help bt to think it could be my problem.. and the sentence if only i dont...

why is relationship between human beings could be so hard to understand... why people would like to present themselves in the most complicated form ever??
am i being naive on this world..or i am just plain stupid...
oh well, the word naive means stupid....

can i count on this friendship to continue???
what am i believing now, will it gradually fading away??? after all this, am i still the person i used to be??

responsibility

old man says great power comes with great responsibility.
i never used to understand what it takes to be the man with great power... =) im not saying those superpowers like superman, power rangers, batman or etc...

im a 4th year medical student..attending clinical years in hospital....another year and i will be finishing my medical life and starting my life as a doctor.. i remember when i first enter medical school i am just a little girl walking into the life of adulthood.. what it takes to be hospital?? what is doctor? what will be our life sound like... is just me and patient.. never did i know the magical bond between doctors and patient till i enter my clinical years...

the first time i walk into the hospital, everything look amazing... for someone who dont really exposed to everything related to medical, it does look amazing... then here goes the 36 hours of walking, limited time of sleeping and unorganized time of break.... everything becomes DARK!!! why am i picking medic?? why am i here?? why i want to be a doctor...

we study our ass off... we work our butt away... exposed to all kind of injury, facing all types of patient, having stress imposed on us, and lost the social life we used to have.. and yet our pay is just the same like those 9am to 5pm office worker.. and probably lower than the businessman... worst of all, the society thought we earn like crazy, forcing money out from all patient we treat, and we are those people who NEED to be a know-it-all... anyone who thinks we earn a lot, please re-do your survey because we definitely DONT.... slowly, life doesnt seems to be good... even my mum says only stupid people choose to be doctor... =)

i kinda agree though... we dont have the college life one would have... things we need to know, we need to know for life.. looking at some of my friends who had their holiday long enough to go for a backpack in europe, i cant deny how jealous i am... they can get pass their exams just by flipping their notes last minute.. they can choose to ignore some certain facts they think it is hard... life goes by their way...what we had then?? we work more hours than others, we study more than others.. even the slightest information, it needs to be in our mind... we cant joke around, we cant fool around..

even the phrase "i think it could be..." is a taboo in our life.. we need to be fast, we need to be certain and top of all, despite the fast and certain, we need to be accurate.. every decision made, we need to be answerable to not only ourself, bt to the patient.. any decision either being late or wrong, it would cost the life of the patient...

we exposed to the greatest risk of having gastric perforation, we had the highest risk of being suicidal, we had cancer easier than anyone in this world, we faced any infection more than anyone.. if there is an outbreak, we were at the first line... is this job good enough??? you can choose to walk away from people with hepatitis B, you can walk away from people with HIV.. we dont discriminate, we dont stereotype... they had the same rights in the eyes of medicine... did i ever talk about a houseman who got hepatitis C while giving injection to a patient?? he accidentally prick himself after withdrawing blood from patient... accident shouldnt happen... but then, how can we prevent accident?? accident happen without warning...

we tried the best to treat a person, and it has only 2 consequence of either "THANK YOU" or "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, I WILL GONNA SUE YOU!!"

so what is the fun of being a doctor???

someone ask me before, why did i choose medic?? life isnt easy for us.. our life isnt easy, our pay isnt high, our risk is high, our work time is longer than anyone else, and we paid a high tuition fees in university...

what i say, it's only passion that can drive one thru their life as a doctor... patient would be the reason why i stay as a doctor... if you are a person who loves to save other people life, if you are the person who willing to put other's life before yours..then yes, pick medicine.. if not, please dont because at the end, u will have to give up everything... if u ask me what would be the biggest repay of being a doctor, it would the smile, the happiness, the gratitude and a sentence from patient... THANK YOU!!

to look at the patient and to tell them "you are fine now" "u can be discharged" the happiness in patient when they smile to you... that is the best scene u will never forget... when they see you and greet you "doctor, good morning" or "thank you doctor" it is just so pure and sincere... little kids look at you feeling amazed...adults look at you feeling respect... that is the repay for a doctor and top of all, this is what makes all the tears and sweats worth while...

the heavy responsibility of a doctor.... the tears and sweats.... it all comes down to one - the gratitude of patient... with only this, it makes us alive and strong... and keep us going~~ patient had a wish when it comes to doctors which is to get heal... and we had only one wish to them is to fulfill it and make them healed... as a fairy godmother of theirs, their smile is what we want~ =)