relationship

yes,im back to my own blog, after updating other people blog for the past 2 weeks... =(

and it seems like im not coming back with the usual jumpy mood i have... neither coming back with nice topic to discuss with..
i am back..with full of sadness and emoness and depressive and just let me be childish for a moment throwing tantrum here ....

am i being over emotional recently?? i know that recently i had been in not so smooth mood...
someone once said that to listen to what other people have to say is what the reflection of others to us.. im picking it up, and i am listening to it.. but am i being in the fault for being over emotional on that certain issue??

to do nothing wrong, to get a cold reaction, to be ignored.. and to be outcast like i had done something bad.. to had others thinking i am wrong, to had others blame me, to some extent i think i did something wrong... to hold it inside, to calm myself down quietly in my heart, and then to almost bust, to break down and to cried...
then a msg sent...not even verbally...

to go thru such emotional trauma... am i being wrong for ignoring her?? am i being egoistic enough for not taking the initial step to say HI??

dont i deserved a rights to get angry? dont i deserved a right to say no, bt i cant accept the whole scene??

u might be asking, why am i caring all those words?? why i let myself to be hurt?? i can just ignore what those people had to say...
i might be stupid enough to think, even housemate, it should be someone to close enough to call close friends..
i rather to believe what they have to say even most of the times it is a joke than to stop believing them...

to count ..i never cried once in the 2 years of my form 6, cried once when im hosteller (for 2 years), and to cry numerous times in my 2 years stay in this house..
why is it so hard to stay together??

i think i had been very straight forward, very simple minded to an extent, an absent mind...
am i that hard to mingle around ?? is it a problem of i alone or was it others??
is it hard to treasure a friend?? i tried to ignore bt not till they say they could be someone i could be counting on..

i have no idea if they had a motive themselves...bt to me, to be staying together could be a fate.. to be together as friend, there is nothing to be calculative on...
i might be thinking too much and to put myself in a bad state...

but everytime something went wrong, i couldnt help bt to notice the bad look....and couldnt help bt to think it could be my problem.. and the sentence if only i dont...

why is relationship between human beings could be so hard to understand... why people would like to present themselves in the most complicated form ever??
am i being naive on this world..or i am just plain stupid...
oh well, the word naive means stupid....

can i count on this friendship to continue???
what am i believing now, will it gradually fading away??? after all this, am i still the person i used to be??

responsibility

old man says great power comes with great responsibility.
i never used to understand what it takes to be the man with great power... =) im not saying those superpowers like superman, power rangers, batman or etc...

im a 4th year medical student..attending clinical years in hospital....another year and i will be finishing my medical life and starting my life as a doctor.. i remember when i first enter medical school i am just a little girl walking into the life of adulthood.. what it takes to be hospital?? what is doctor? what will be our life sound like... is just me and patient.. never did i know the magical bond between doctors and patient till i enter my clinical years...

the first time i walk into the hospital, everything look amazing... for someone who dont really exposed to everything related to medical, it does look amazing... then here goes the 36 hours of walking, limited time of sleeping and unorganized time of break.... everything becomes DARK!!! why am i picking medic?? why am i here?? why i want to be a doctor...

we study our ass off... we work our butt away... exposed to all kind of injury, facing all types of patient, having stress imposed on us, and lost the social life we used to have.. and yet our pay is just the same like those 9am to 5pm office worker.. and probably lower than the businessman... worst of all, the society thought we earn like crazy, forcing money out from all patient we treat, and we are those people who NEED to be a know-it-all... anyone who thinks we earn a lot, please re-do your survey because we definitely DONT.... slowly, life doesnt seems to be good... even my mum says only stupid people choose to be doctor... =)

i kinda agree though... we dont have the college life one would have... things we need to know, we need to know for life.. looking at some of my friends who had their holiday long enough to go for a backpack in europe, i cant deny how jealous i am... they can get pass their exams just by flipping their notes last minute.. they can choose to ignore some certain facts they think it is hard... life goes by their way...what we had then?? we work more hours than others, we study more than others.. even the slightest information, it needs to be in our mind... we cant joke around, we cant fool around..

even the phrase "i think it could be..." is a taboo in our life.. we need to be fast, we need to be certain and top of all, despite the fast and certain, we need to be accurate.. every decision made, we need to be answerable to not only ourself, bt to the patient.. any decision either being late or wrong, it would cost the life of the patient...

we exposed to the greatest risk of having gastric perforation, we had the highest risk of being suicidal, we had cancer easier than anyone in this world, we faced any infection more than anyone.. if there is an outbreak, we were at the first line... is this job good enough??? you can choose to walk away from people with hepatitis B, you can walk away from people with HIV.. we dont discriminate, we dont stereotype... they had the same rights in the eyes of medicine... did i ever talk about a houseman who got hepatitis C while giving injection to a patient?? he accidentally prick himself after withdrawing blood from patient... accident shouldnt happen... but then, how can we prevent accident?? accident happen without warning...

we tried the best to treat a person, and it has only 2 consequence of either "THANK YOU" or "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, I WILL GONNA SUE YOU!!"

so what is the fun of being a doctor???

someone ask me before, why did i choose medic?? life isnt easy for us.. our life isnt easy, our pay isnt high, our risk is high, our work time is longer than anyone else, and we paid a high tuition fees in university...

what i say, it's only passion that can drive one thru their life as a doctor... patient would be the reason why i stay as a doctor... if you are a person who loves to save other people life, if you are the person who willing to put other's life before yours..then yes, pick medicine.. if not, please dont because at the end, u will have to give up everything... if u ask me what would be the biggest repay of being a doctor, it would the smile, the happiness, the gratitude and a sentence from patient... THANK YOU!!

to look at the patient and to tell them "you are fine now" "u can be discharged" the happiness in patient when they smile to you... that is the best scene u will never forget... when they see you and greet you "doctor, good morning" or "thank you doctor" it is just so pure and sincere... little kids look at you feeling amazed...adults look at you feeling respect... that is the repay for a doctor and top of all, this is what makes all the tears and sweats worth while...

the heavy responsibility of a doctor.... the tears and sweats.... it all comes down to one - the gratitude of patient... with only this, it makes us alive and strong... and keep us going~~ patient had a wish when it comes to doctors which is to get heal... and we had only one wish to them is to fulfill it and make them healed... as a fairy godmother of theirs, their smile is what we want~ =)

possible?

is it true that blood is thicker than water??
many said that no matter what happen u had your family member behind your back??? is the theory applicable to all types of situation or it is only applicable to some, just like the other life theory???

human, dont them change over certain period of time??? separated and living in other place, looking at the different life, thinking of different theory, and ending up having different mindset and with this, argument tend happen in every way~~

with this, could still family member be together??? living under a same roof??

i had seen people leaving their family member alone in the nursery home, i had seen siblings fighting over the money, i had seen own family member cheating each other, and some even rape their own child...

how could this happen??? if family wasnt the safest people to be around, whoelse??

just like mine, if i dont even care so much about them, leaving them to do what they like so that they could be happy for that particular moment, could it be better???
maybe this way would be better....




a mute never hurt anyone... they just dont~ and im learning this theory~~
a NOMB would be best.. =)

tangled

the year is ending soon~ we will be greeting the whole new year in another 2 days?? no..another day~ 2011 ending..2012 approaching.. after 3 months of tears, 3 months of anger, 3 monts of happiness, 3 months of smile,

despite the fact at times we wish the time could stop, despite something big happen in our life, our grandpa clock just keep on ticking..and well, after adding up those 3 months...here we are, 12 months of our life.. =)

life is so unpredictable.. *laugh*

oh and oh, the title "tangled" is because...i watch TANGLED which is basically RAPUNZEL this afternoon~ =D
it definitely ends with a fairy tale way - happily ever after...

bt does life really end happy ever after in everyone life?? for how many percent??
i certainly have no idea...and no idea how to count...

just a little innocent question : Will i ever had the fairy tale ending in my life if i hold a stronger faith in it???? a stronger belief and trust...

i dont know...till the day my life is ending~ =) for now, let's just celebrate the countdown of the brand new year 2012...
should i do a evaluation on my life in 2011??? yeah i should bt i am not going to tell u guys~ hahaha... =) and my resolution, as i said before, the one and only one... live a simple happy life~ =D

tata~~

two...

when two become one~~

people who listen to the 90s will remember this song..from SPICE GIRLS though~ =)
but oh well, not talking about the 90s music although i wonder where they gone... neither am i talking about SPICE GIRLS, once my top favourite girl group... =)



have anyone ever count the number of junction one had already encounter in 2 decades of life?? plenty isnt it...even in choosing our dear meal such as having western food today or just simply a bowl of fruits.. =) in this full of chaos, full of excitement, full of curiosity, full of disappointment, full of happiness life, it is also full of choices and the unwanted junction... =)

i bet everyone when reach this ever loved-yet-hated junction of life, where they about to take a big bend and there is no U-turn along this road, they eventually lowered their head, look thru the grasses and see as far as they could, till where the bend obstruct their vision... step a little forward, look again, still ntg could be seen... take a little step to the right, look again thru the grass, satisfied?? no?? then walk a little to the left, look again, happy??? no?? then jump up a little, wishing we could see what is awaiting in front...still nothing could be seen... alright, then i shall see what is waiting for me in another route.. did the same thing, comeback with the same disappointment..

one road seems like it had been wear off... one just had few prints, so few that u can actually count the footprint with the little cold finger of yours... should i be the safe one and continue with the road that had been used like a thousand times, or should i brave myself and explore the route that is used less than 10?? will i be stronger walking through the tall grass?? or i be safe walking on top of the small weeds that had been step a few times.. standing there still, thinking which road to be taken...

and this reminds me of the poem i read in school.... the road not taken by robert frost :

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

in our life, it is always with choices, we look, we consider, we even weight both the decision.. the grass that obstruct part of your view, it represent the obstruction in the decision we took...we weight that it look likes it weigh the same...could it be the same asked our little heart...the bend we look into, represent the change in our life...could the bend bent at the same degree??? would we be still the same person we are after the bent?? our little brain wonder... down the road, down the muddy road, will my wagon ever had a chance to turn and back to the same junction i had been to??? will when i finally return to the same junction, i am still the same person judging the 2 roads?? will the route ever look the same?? without the footprint of mine???

had you ever wonder what would it be when we took the right, what makes us be if we were in the left?? i dont know about others, neither can i be bother about it... but at least i do...i did wonder if i ever take a turn to the right, what would happen to me if i were at the left??? would the accident that bound to happen on the right could be prevented if i turn my car to the left?? is the journey to the right is shorter compare to the journey on the left?? when i met my friends on the right, will that mean i lose the chance to meet them when i am on the left??? what is there waiting at the left?? at what price did i pay when i take up my determination... =) i just wondered..

but hey, i just wonder...never did i ever take a u-turn and back to the junction where i pick up the right and left the left forever unknown....life is full of excitement, well again depend on how we look at it...the right has it own excitement... has it own world to be explored...has it own grass that stand tall~ i took my determination, my courage to pick the unwanted road...again, i wear off my courage to continue going down the bent.. i had no idea how much it has mould me into...can i say i am still the same person who made the choice?? am i stronger from all the tall grass?? am i better off with choices next time in my life???
till the time i reach another junction, then my mysterious answer would be answered...

you might ask, am i in the right pathway?? will the sun finally shine on the road..
i had no idea...could i ever judge the route if it is right or vice versa... could i jump up and point my finger on the road and scream, I AM SO WRONG ON PICKING YOU.. could i say IF ONLY I CHOOSE THE OTHER INSTEAD OF YOU!!
no..i cant.. all road has it good and bad...it is basically the same..
the difference is that, how we learn from it...from the tall grass, from the pebbles on the road, from the sand that caught your eye, from the hot ray of the sun, each and everything taught us how to handle our life..and eventually when we walk out from this road, sometimes down the timeline, we will be someone we taught ourselves, we will be able to proudly say I AM WHO I AM...

2012 is nearing...what is my new year resolution?? each and every year i make a hell long list of it...but for this year, i would only make one...that is to live a simple happy life~ =) wish me luck!! ^^

...

[Chorus]
Don't you ever wish you were someone else,
You were meant to be the way you are exactly.
Don't you ever say you don't like the way you are.
When you learn to love yourself, you're better off by far.
And I hope you always stay the same,
cuz there's nothin' 'bout you I would change.

[Verse]
I think that you could be whatever you wanted to be
If you could realize, all the dreams you have inside.
Don't be afraid if you've got something to say,
Just open up your heart and let it show you the way.

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Believe in yourself.
Reach down inside.
The love you find will set you free.
Believe in yourself, you will come alive.
Have faith in what you do.
You'll make it through.

[Chorus]

count on me

u can count on me like 1,2,3
i'll be there
and i know that i need it i can count on you like 4,3,2
and u'll be there..
that's what friends supposed to do oh yeah~

from Bruno Mars... =)


is it true that i can actually count on someone so out of thought, out of mind???
can i really throw temper, laugh loudly, present what i really feel to someone i call friend??
can i really trouble them and expect them not to be angry and no matter how many times they had to amend my mistake for me and yet quietly standing there for me again???

can i ???

i always thought that in this whole wide world, the only people i can be angry about, i can trouble about and i can really be who i am, expressed what i feel and confidently know that they are still here with me is none other than my own family member....they are the only people i know i can be who i am and nt being pretentious... because i know they are the people i can really count on~ and ps : this does not include someone i call boyfriend~ =D

dont ask me why this post..it just pass my brain..
face it, this world didnt revolve just around us...the world wont stop because of certain thing and certain person...
time heals someone, as well as remodel other... how long can we actually be the same person we used to be???
and how long since people stop condemn on others and look at themselves???

in this whole wide world, who will stop and look?? look on something that pass by... look on what they had just missed??? what that had just walk into their life...

everything and anything could be said...but could those everything and anything be done???

i dont know...and i wouldnt want to know~~

G.O.N.E

recently the amount of my family members decrease by one again... 4 years ago, i for the first time, really feel the loss of a family members (is the time when my granddad pass away, i am still young to know what it means by going away forever..although i remember the scene vividly but the feeling at that time,it is just like another normal day) who is my granny, now going thru again, everything is just like deja wu..

one of them said at one night, our family members goes down one again..when they gone, they gone forever.. no way where their face can be shown in the pictures anymore..no way we can hear their voices again~

that day i was in Sungai Petani when my mum called me...shaking, i answered the call.. "your aunty passed away already" ... shocked!! i know i supposed to get ready when i answered the call..i was hoping for another thing..just anything..or even wrong person..i am just shocked and surprised...just a fade answer "really? when??" i dont know what else should i say...it happen the same damn thing again... the time when my granny passed away, i received it thru call also!!! they say granny wants a cup of coffee..my mum volunteer to go and get it and i follow her... just a while, we received call that she passed away...

a while after when i finally sit down....i started to weep... she might be talking less to all of us....but then, the fact that ever since we stayed at the same apartment, she been a caring person, bringing food on friday knowing my mum doesnt cook on that day... the fact that i had been visiting her ever since she is sick, looking at her day by day deteriorating although i hate her children who is my cousin...it is still sad that she left the world... she was 50 something when she left the world...

they are right... when one person is gone, they gone forever..what is left in this world is nothing but memories of them... memories of their deeds... memories of their acts~

cherish them and dont be shy to say I LOVE YOU before it's too late... because once u are late in it, regrets will be there forever...

just like me..havent had the time to tell granny that i love her, she left...the fact that when she tries to tell me something about her belonging, i asked her not to think too much and get better faster..she continue to sleep..that day i sit beside her in the hosp... all day long and i didnt even say it to her... the next day, she left..and that when she left, even if i said it a thousand times, she wouldnt able to listen to it...i am sorry...i am sorry that i presented myself in a way u thought i wouldnt care..but then i actually care... and i care a lot... not only me, but we... we care a lot~

granny and aunty...rest in peace.. may your soul found the eternity happiness... =)
I LOVE YOU