♥♥
ever noticed the forever friend teddy i been using as my background?? i used forever friend teddy everywhere.. in my twitter, here in blog, previously as cover picture in my facebook and.. my desktop ..
i always like forever friend teddy~ because of the name, of course because the adorable, hugable and cuteness overload teddy, but because of the name, forever friend..
i know i had been talking about friends and how i had to cope up with people around me.. for the past few weeks, or probably months, i had been in constant on and off depression to an extent, i think i could diagnosed myself either cyclothymia or probably moderate depression syndrome.. or probably bipolar type 2 syndrome..
till today.. i had an outing with my girls, my girls that make me all laid back and happy..
it could be just a simple outing, with movie (we watched SAFE (2012)) and then shop around (and i met my junior after so many years.. hahaha, she still recognised me, what a surprise...) and then dinner and supper and story telling time.. ^^
it could be just a simple girls outing.. but the laughter in it is so loud that it could shakes the place up.. and liling brought her little baby and it brightens the whole place even more.. it is hot there, but nobody mind fanning the little princess with the recipe book.. when she cries, 4-5 girls got freaked out and the noise from them is even louder than the cries from the little girl.. =)
it is just as simple as that.. we were there talking all sort of nonsense, nothing informative.. probably talking bout haunted school and what they did, what they been kaypo-ing on, or about the scary no-hand crawling on the floor old lady in the uni, or about pregnancy... or maybe some few random crazy selca... ♥♥
but for today, i had my mind chilled.. i had my mind stop thinking, did i said something wrong, did i did something wrong, am i wrong for doing this, what are those people thinking, why are they unhappy, what are they unhappy at, what sentence should i say ...
i laugh so loud, i could say "you are an idiot!!" without any drawback, without thinking that i could hurt someone with that sentence..
i didnt say that back in there, i couldnt do the same thing.. i still laugh very loud, i still jokes around... is just at times, to certain people, i had to restrain myself..
and it is not as free... as back here with this grp of insane engineers.. =)
maybe stress is taking a troll in me... stress i faced there, i could be unconsciously draining the blame to people around me...
i should start de-stress myself, take up some stress management class... =)
but for now, let me take an opportunity to say.. THANK YOU GIRLS.. AND I ♥ YOU!! ^^
baby lizy..
title translated as : stupid
instead of starting a prologue-kind-of-introduction-before-going-into-the-real-question, today i am going straight to the question.. =) i had stated about life, friends and other stuff-that-i-had-forgotten-what-the-earth-is-it.. =)
so today let's go to the topic LOVE.. ^^
what is love?? what is the definition of love??
some people had love as their everything in life, even more than their life... some had it so insignificant in their life, putting it last in their priority list...
just like life, everyone had their own definition of love .. but what is the common definition of love??
no matter how would one define it, how someone placed it, how they see it, how they used it.... love is something one couldnt but must have it in their life.. to have it excessively, or to have it just enough to be loved and to love, or to have it so little... everyone had this little love potion in them.. everyone has it.. our love not to our own lover, but love to parent, love to siblings, love to friends, love to animals and love to other sapiens..
let us make the title simple..instead of putting it so wide to almost everyone and everything in this world, let us make it simple... to the one we love.. =)
love is always a magical feeling that brings 2 persons' heart into same alignment at right time, right place with the perfect right feeling ...
love is also the destroyer feeling that tore 2 persons' heart into 2 different alignment at the wrong time, wrong place with the perfectly wrong freaking feeling ...
it could be varies from one extremeties to another... it makes people feel so doubtful yet so determined.. so depressed yet so blissful...
it turns one person from who they are to who they wanted the opposite wants them to be... it turns one sane person into insanity...
it is so powerful that love could turn into hatred and destroyed both...
have any of you ever feel like to really take up the courage and say YES I WANT TO BE WITH YOU... I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU...
u know what, i never had the courage to say any of that....
to starts off a relationship it is hard but i still think to maintain a relationship is even harder.. this is the time where friction, fights and everything comes into your way.. and how strong is the love will be put on test... it was also the time where one would think, i love him but are we supposed to be together? are we fated to be together?? OR i am sorry but i dont love you anymore.. you deserved a better person ...
if this question were to emerge soon, why they agreed to be together at the first place?? what then makes the words "you are mine forever" "i love you and till death separates both of us" "for you, everything is easy" ... what makes the initial feeling gone?? the lack of determination to continue on?? the lack of understanding??
have any of us thought of marriage vows : I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.
i watched the drama THE HIPPOCRATIC CRUSH.. kenneth ma said this :
"Marriage vows...if just read out according to convention, there's no meaning...When young, beautiful and healthy, so certainly love. However, when the other gradually ages, old and defeated, has more and more illnesses, and even watching the other die of old age...so, no longer love then? Since, in the future, will not abandon each other...now should be the same. If just because the other has an illness and not love, then it's not true love. [No one knows one's life span.] Even we, as doctors, cannot guarantee that we'll live to a hundred. Thus, there is no guarantee of growing old together in marriage vows, but must guarantee that, whether in sickness or in health, must be together"
it's true.. u dont say about eternity for one had no guarantee in eternity... everyone who said this line with their other half should have knew why instead of making it short and simple with the word eternity, to be with you for the eternity... why is the vow written it into, to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health... because this is the times, where love are put onto a test....
someone asked me before... why?
why am i so scared to be in love... is it that you had put ur target so high ??
i asked myself before.. am i?? am i putting it so high ?? or am i guarding my heart, my feeling so strong that i walled it high and not letting anyone to step in...
i thought for a second... i choose the latter one... i guard myself too well.. to be over protective of myself...
protect myself from this.. i knew i am being way to realistic.. to protective that i had no-one to had a slightest chance to put me into a dilemma..
i am too coward.. coward to be in love... or too self-protective..
i should open up a little...
please dont give up on me.. =)
so yeah...
have u heard quotes about smile?? how a smile could change a person and a day of another person?
how strong a smile could give? how beautiful a smile could be??
did anyone mention to you that if u were to smile with full gratitude, to smile with the most sincerity u had, u had the best life? and that it brightens up people around you?? how powerful it could be and that it melts just any ice??
some examples of quotes by the big names ... on smile~
1. Peace begins with smile - Mother Teresa
2. "And then he gives a smile that just seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that unexpected warmth rushes through me" - katniss everdeen , Hunger Game
3. Let us make one point that we meet each other with a smile, when it is difficult to smile. smile at each other, make time for each other in your family - Mother Teresa
4. if you cant find the right words for certain situations just give a smile. words have the potential to confuse but a smile convinces.
5. your smile looks adorable on you! you should wear it more often.
i smiled.. i smiled every day.. waking up in the morning, smiling my heart out, being a cheerful girl i always am...
but the smile portion just dont work.. it didnt work.. it never work...
how could it not work on me?? is it really not working?? am i really a failure in life??
i did something wrong in my daily life?? this never stops, and being continuous all day and every day... i am so sick about it..
why is it me who had to cope with everyone emotion and not just someone to cope with mine??
am i being the one coping for so long, that i had become a no-emotion sapiens??
i am tired... i really do...
i am tired to be someone's doll... i am tired to be everyone moderator..
i am tired to cope with everyone stress and emotion..
dont blame me for not being understanding.. i had my own level of stress... i had my own problems that are unspoken of...
why am i had to understand your stress and keep up with the tantrum ??
i had enough that i smile early in the morning and everyone had a poker face to show....
i had enough of smiling... it just doesnt work that way... it doesnt...
i tried..i really tried to forget everything... but the more i forget and gave in till when everything bounce back, the more it hurts...it really does... but then, nobody knew how it kills me slowly~
I give you an inch and you take a mile
You make mistakes that erase when you smile
Im starting to feel like it aint alright
How can you care if I dont cross your mind
Cause I
Say I wanna talk but you just push me away
Tell me your leaving when I want you to stay
I never thought that loving you would hurt me this way
But Im the only one to blame
Cause Im always saying
Its ok, it's alright
I put the pain away and let it slide
I forgive and forget it
And then you promise me I wont regret it
But I do, it's not right
Because I turn around and let it slide
And im crazy for thinking
That someday you'll change things when you keep on crossin' the line
Something about you won't let me go
Maybe hes better being alone
I, keep saying im gonna move on
But it's so hard when your all that I know
But I, Say I wanna talk but you just push me away
Tell me your leaving when I want you to stay
Never thought that loving you would hurt me this way
But Im the only one to blame
Cause im always saying
It's ok, it's alright
I put the pain away and let it slide
I forgive and forget it
And then you promise me I wont regret it
But I do
It's not right because I turn around and let it slide
And Im crazy for thinking that someday you'll change things
When you keep on crossin' the line
Boy I wish I didnt give in so easily
Oh, I dont know what to do
Cause I keep on feeding the flame
When I should really be telling you we're through
Its ok, it's alright
I put the pain away and let it slide
I forgive and forget it
And then you promise me I wont regret it
But I do, it's not right
Because I turn around and let it slide
And im crazy for thinking
That someday you'll change things when you keep on crossin' the line
..............
what is LIFE?? how could one define life?? different people define life differently bt then no matter how differ we define that word, isnt what we are facing everyday are equally the same??
breating in the same air, taking up the same task and doing the same thing... we studied, we worked.. we earn and then to spend on anything that could define us as LIFE..
like others, we are facing the same risk of having arguments, getting sick, having job promotion and as well as death~ so why are we working so hard, moulding ourself to what we self-defined the world LIFE??
is this word particularly our goal of life?? is this word a guideline to what we are supposed to achieve in this life? is this word a reassurance to ourself??
i dont know how would i define this life... i always wanted a simple life but then again, to what extend?? is simple basically having a simple relaxed life with no worries?? or a simple life so simple that i live off as an ordinary people?? simple isnt it?? i always talked on simple life, simple way of living and simple mind but all this simple is actually a complexity itself.
now that i think of, what is the life i always wanted?? i wanted a cozy house, a house i called home...until one day, my mum asked me to pick a house to stay...and till then i realized, my simple life isnt that simple after all.. if i wouldnt taken up the complicated work, and live of an ordinary girl-next-door, that house that i picked wouldnt be in my dictionary at all..
and this makes me think again.. what define as my life.. what is the best definition of life?? some wants a life full of protection where they dont need to worry on stretching their money to the maximum, some say life is too short to be in pain where they enjoyed their life to the max and not worrying on future, some just work an ordinary 9-5 work and lives of an ordinary neighbour, some thinks all he could and earn as much as he could and save all the money and happily looking at the increase 0 in his bank account...
so what exactly is life ??? Buddha says to born to the world, to see the world, to get ill and to leave the world... that is a cycle of life...
but in that process, before the end of everything..what could a life be?? shakespeare says life is like a stage, we are the actors and actresses .. when the play goes off, the curtains come down, we get down from the stage.. some get off earlier..some get up on the middle of the play..
it's true.. when i look back on the old video of a deceased person just like whitney houston, it feels like she is still here... how she grew old, how she change from a person to another, her life just like the drama, played thru the screen..
the definition of life is too broad for us to specific it down... everyone has their own way of defining their life.. question is, can we interrupt and change it??
and another question... is knowing when we are leaving the world, a good thing or a bad thing???
if you were to know that u could live up to 80 years old and died peacefully, how would u make use of the 60 years of life??
if you were to know that tomorrow is the day you would leave for eternity, how would u spent the 24 hours that is left??
my own definition of living a simple life is now shaky...im in doubt if i could still dream of living a simple life... because i knew, the life i had been dreaming about, isnt so easy and isnt so simple after all... and it needs scarifies as well as efforts... simple is indeed a complexity
it's a boring day where a boring girl sitting in front of a boring laptop and think of what to do in the next boring seconds...
hahahahahaha~ i am indeed boring.. to an extent, i wanted to spam my own facebook with my own self-absorbed picture.. a selca!!! i mean selcaSSS!!! =)
but then to think that it might be nuisance to my friends in facebook, i think i shall spam it here~ =)
and being confidence about my own look, isnt something in my dictionary~ =)
but then, a discussion from yesterday makes me realize it's okay that one is not beautiful, it's okay u are not pretty, it's okay u are not the hottest girl in the class neither the sexy chicks that everyone wants.. it doest matter if u had just an average look and a simple girl~
but as long as you yourself are proud of who u are, to be who u wants to be, and look just amazingly like yourself, and confidently walking down the road, people will notice that charm of yours~ =)
i should learn that conclusion... and well, being a girl next door, is a matter in fact, the hardest type of girl u can be~ =)
i always felt that the relationship between 2 homosapiens is magical..
for 2 different person, of different world to come together and be friends, isnt it amazing to know how could both cope with each other??? some people had what we called social loveable and some who hardly get one to talk on..but then, i believe in our life, we will eventually had at least 1 person who we can open up our heart.. =)
i always believe it is not fate that makes one likeable or forever alone.. but it was how one acts toward another..
but then, what it takes for one to be socially acceptable?? am i using the right word??? i might look like a social butterfly to one, and anti-social to another.. if u knew me well, i am a social butterfly~ =D
anyway, what it takes to link 2 person of different DNA, of different behaviour and different opinions together??? i know some had a friend who have everything so similar to themselves and they call it soulmate.. but then soulmate could be of different people with different personality right..
~~~
i dont know bout' urs but here is what i think.. =) no hard feeling but it is always my own personal view.. xD
i believe that not a person in this world is perfect...personality wise or attitude wise.. im nt a person who is so saint or noble either... nobody in this world is so perfect in mentally, physically or socially unless u are self-declared god (that too, isnt perfect)..
for 2 person to come together and be friends, it is always acceptance... acceptance and tolerance and understanding.. why is it this??
like i had said before, nobody in this world is as perfect as they would think they are... =) eventually there will be something that hurts the other.. one man's rose is always another man's thorn.. =) but then to accept who they are instead of changing who they are, to tolerate their attitude by accepting who they are, and to understand them internally instead of externally... gradually, we will adapt to the person.. we have high adaptation skill arent we?? human adapts to their things around them so quick that they dont even realised it.. =)
isnt complaining for who they are, what they did and then to hold on grudges and hatred is something tiring..it well at least exhaust me mentally..
some people ask me before, how can you tolerate your friends for what they had did??
i do..i do get angry for a certain time, but in the time of getting angry, i asked myself back.. is it a fault of a person or it is a fault of 2 way??? if you would ever be friend in the first place, why is it a conflicts that could break off a friendship?? what is the feeling of the 1st time when we had became friend??
here i am talking about close friends not superficial friend.. it has differ.. i admit that not all people i am hanging out around, are my close friends.. well, everyone had friends who are superficial as well as deep~ =)
in that process, understanding starts to take place.. yes, i start to know, so that is what she/he really are... so?? am i forego that friends??
nobody in this world is a saint, that is at least what i believe.... then accept the person for who they are if you are going to hold on the person as your friends...
eventually u will adapt to that person for who they are.. =)
when u accept and adapt, whatever they do, like previously, you wouldnt have hurt that much as the 1st time.. isnt it?? at one point, u would have laugh at their action.. =)
adapt and grow up in the process... this survival skill would have benefit one in any environment that one live in.. at one stage of life, u will have met at least 100 different attitude and character.. are we going to live our life miserably because we couldnt have one person to have open up our mind in that particular place??
or are we going to change the view of it and live with it??? if we keep on going back to past and to hang on to only one person and to think that she/he is the only friend that you could have in your lifetime, what happen if one day that person left your world??? is that mean u gonna be just like the forever alone meme??
people dont walk to your door and knock and say let's be soulmate.. even if there is, but if you would have been so rigid in your feeling and views, i feel, that 2 person wouldnt be close friends...even if they appear to be close, but then to what extend?? if one thing could had rock their relationship, will it end just like that?? and if that happen, what would happen??
to be over calculative and to measure every depth and weight of a friendship, to have motive and to plan out a strategy in making friend and to fake all loveable traits instead of showing the real traits, arent all this tire you out??
i truly believe that if you are a friend to one... they accept you for who you are, not change who you arent. because by changing your own friend, is that person the same person who u first met??? the 1st person who u said HI to??
this is at least what i think...
i am as simple as that...whatever i do, as long as i think it soothe my heart and i think it is right, i would done it... and well of course sincerely..
but could it be in this world today that being so simple is actually complicated in the other's eyes and hard to interpret?? and to be complicated it is easier to be guess??
maybe i should be a little more complicated.. hahahaha~ =) well at least, some people dont need to guess me so hard.. xD
but then, i need some teaching to be complicated~ =)
yes,im back to my own blog, after updating other people blog for the past 2 weeks... =(
and it seems like im not coming back with the usual jumpy mood i have... neither coming back with nice topic to discuss with..
i am back..with full of sadness and emoness and depressive and just let me be childish for a moment throwing tantrum here ....
am i being over emotional recently?? i know that recently i had been in not so smooth mood...
someone once said that to listen to what other people have to say is what the reflection of others to us.. im picking it up, and i am listening to it.. but am i being in the fault for being over emotional on that certain issue??
to do nothing wrong, to get a cold reaction, to be ignored.. and to be outcast like i had done something bad.. to had others thinking i am wrong, to had others blame me, to some extent i think i did something wrong... to hold it inside, to calm myself down quietly in my heart, and then to almost bust, to break down and to cried...
then a msg sent...not even verbally...
to go thru such emotional trauma... am i being wrong for ignoring her?? am i being egoistic enough for not taking the initial step to say HI??
dont i deserved a rights to get angry? dont i deserved a right to say no, bt i cant accept the whole scene??
u might be asking, why am i caring all those words?? why i let myself to be hurt?? i can just ignore what those people had to say...
i might be stupid enough to think, even housemate, it should be someone to close enough to call close friends..
i rather to believe what they have to say even most of the times it is a joke than to stop believing them...
to count ..i never cried once in the 2 years of my form 6, cried once when im hosteller (for 2 years), and to cry numerous times in my 2 years stay in this house..
why is it so hard to stay together??
i think i had been very straight forward, very simple minded to an extent, an absent mind...
am i that hard to mingle around ?? is it a problem of i alone or was it others??
is it hard to treasure a friend?? i tried to ignore bt not till they say they could be someone i could be counting on..
i have no idea if they had a motive themselves...bt to me, to be staying together could be a fate.. to be together as friend, there is nothing to be calculative on...
i might be thinking too much and to put myself in a bad state...
but everytime something went wrong, i couldnt help bt to notice the bad look....and couldnt help bt to think it could be my problem.. and the sentence if only i dont...
why is relationship between human beings could be so hard to understand... why people would like to present themselves in the most complicated form ever??
am i being naive on this world..or i am just plain stupid...
oh well, the word naive means stupid....
can i count on this friendship to continue???
what am i believing now, will it gradually fading away??? after all this, am i still the person i used to be??
old man says great power comes with great responsibility.
i never used to understand what it takes to be the man with great power... =) im not saying those superpowers like superman, power rangers, batman or etc...
im a 4th year medical student..attending clinical years in hospital....another year and i will be finishing my medical life and starting my life as a doctor.. i remember when i first enter medical school i am just a little girl walking into the life of adulthood.. what it takes to be hospital?? what is doctor? what will be our life sound like... is just me and patient.. never did i know the magical bond between doctors and patient till i enter my clinical years...
the first time i walk into the hospital, everything look amazing... for someone who dont really exposed to everything related to medical, it does look amazing... then here goes the 36 hours of walking, limited time of sleeping and unorganized time of break.... everything becomes DARK!!! why am i picking medic?? why am i here?? why i want to be a doctor...
we study our ass off... we work our butt away... exposed to all kind of injury, facing all types of patient, having stress imposed on us, and lost the social life we used to have.. and yet our pay is just the same like those 9am to 5pm office worker.. and probably lower than the businessman... worst of all, the society thought we earn like crazy, forcing money out from all patient we treat, and we are those people who NEED to be a know-it-all... anyone who thinks we earn a lot, please re-do your survey because we definitely DONT.... slowly, life doesnt seems to be good... even my mum says only stupid people choose to be doctor... =)
i kinda agree though... we dont have the college life one would have... things we need to know, we need to know for life.. looking at some of my friends who had their holiday long enough to go for a backpack in europe, i cant deny how jealous i am... they can get pass their exams just by flipping their notes last minute.. they can choose to ignore some certain facts they think it is hard... life goes by their way...what we had then?? we work more hours than others, we study more than others.. even the slightest information, it needs to be in our mind... we cant joke around, we cant fool around..
even the phrase "i think it could be..." is a taboo in our life.. we need to be fast, we need to be certain and top of all, despite the fast and certain, we need to be accurate.. every decision made, we need to be answerable to not only ourself, bt to the patient.. any decision either being late or wrong, it would cost the life of the patient...
we exposed to the greatest risk of having gastric perforation, we had the highest risk of being suicidal, we had cancer easier than anyone in this world, we faced any infection more than anyone.. if there is an outbreak, we were at the first line... is this job good enough??? you can choose to walk away from people with hepatitis B, you can walk away from people with HIV.. we dont discriminate, we dont stereotype... they had the same rights in the eyes of medicine... did i ever talk about a houseman who got hepatitis C while giving injection to a patient?? he accidentally prick himself after withdrawing blood from patient... accident shouldnt happen... but then, how can we prevent accident?? accident happen without warning...
we tried the best to treat a person, and it has only 2 consequence of either "THANK YOU" or "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, I WILL GONNA SUE YOU!!"
so what is the fun of being a doctor???
someone ask me before, why did i choose medic?? life isnt easy for us.. our life isnt easy, our pay isnt high, our risk is high, our work time is longer than anyone else, and we paid a high tuition fees in university...
what i say, it's only passion that can drive one thru their life as a doctor... patient would be the reason why i stay as a doctor... if you are a person who loves to save other people life, if you are the person who willing to put other's life before yours..then yes, pick medicine.. if not, please dont because at the end, u will have to give up everything... if u ask me what would be the biggest repay of being a doctor, it would the smile, the happiness, the gratitude and a sentence from patient... THANK YOU!!
to look at the patient and to tell them "you are fine now" "u can be discharged" the happiness in patient when they smile to you... that is the best scene u will never forget... when they see you and greet you "doctor, good morning" or "thank you doctor" it is just so pure and sincere... little kids look at you feeling amazed...adults look at you feeling respect... that is the repay for a doctor and top of all, this is what makes all the tears and sweats worth while...
the heavy responsibility of a doctor.... the tears and sweats.... it all comes down to one - the gratitude of patient... with only this, it makes us alive and strong... and keep us going~~ patient had a wish when it comes to doctors which is to get heal... and we had only one wish to them is to fulfill it and make them healed... as a fairy godmother of theirs, their smile is what we want~ =)
is it true that blood is thicker than water??
many said that no matter what happen u had your family member behind your back??? is the theory applicable to all types of situation or it is only applicable to some, just like the other life theory???
human, dont them change over certain period of time??? separated and living in other place, looking at the different life, thinking of different theory, and ending up having different mindset and with this, argument tend happen in every way~~
with this, could still family member be together??? living under a same roof??
i had seen people leaving their family member alone in the nursery home, i had seen siblings fighting over the money, i had seen own family member cheating each other, and some even rape their own child...
how could this happen??? if family wasnt the safest people to be around, whoelse??
just like mine, if i dont even care so much about them, leaving them to do what they like so that they could be happy for that particular moment, could it be better???
maybe this way would be better....
a mute never hurt anyone... they just dont~ and im learning this theory~~
a NOMB would be best.. =)
the year is ending soon~ we will be greeting the whole new year in another 2 days?? no..another day~ 2011 ending..2012 approaching.. after 3 months of tears, 3 months of anger, 3 monts of happiness, 3 months of smile,
despite the fact at times we wish the time could stop, despite something big happen in our life, our grandpa clock just keep on ticking..and well, after adding up those 3 months...here we are, 12 months of our life.. =)
life is so unpredictable.. *laugh*
oh and oh, the title "tangled" is because...i watch TANGLED which is basically RAPUNZEL this afternoon~ =D
it definitely ends with a fairy tale way - happily ever after...
bt does life really end happy ever after in everyone life?? for how many percent??
i certainly have no idea...and no idea how to count...
just a little innocent question : Will i ever had the fairy tale ending in my life if i hold a stronger faith in it???? a stronger belief and trust...
i dont know...till the day my life is ending~ =) for now, let's just celebrate the countdown of the brand new year 2012...
should i do a evaluation on my life in 2011??? yeah i should bt i am not going to tell u guys~ hahaha... =) and my resolution, as i said before, the one and only one... live a simple happy life~ =D
tata~~
when two become one~~
people who listen to the 90s will remember this song..from SPICE GIRLS though~ =)
but oh well, not talking about the 90s music although i wonder where they gone... neither am i talking about SPICE GIRLS, once my top favourite girl group... =)
have anyone ever count the number of junction one had already encounter in 2 decades of life?? plenty isnt it...even in choosing our dear meal such as having western food today or just simply a bowl of fruits.. =) in this full of chaos, full of excitement, full of curiosity, full of disappointment, full of happiness life, it is also full of choices and the unwanted junction... =)
i bet everyone when reach this ever loved-yet-hated junction of life, where they about to take a big bend and there is no U-turn along this road, they eventually lowered their head, look thru the grasses and see as far as they could, till where the bend obstruct their vision... step a little forward, look again, still ntg could be seen... take a little step to the right, look again thru the grass, satisfied?? no?? then walk a little to the left, look again, happy??? no?? then jump up a little, wishing we could see what is awaiting in front...still nothing could be seen... alright, then i shall see what is waiting for me in another route.. did the same thing, comeback with the same disappointment..
one road seems like it had been wear off... one just had few prints, so few that u can actually count the footprint with the little cold finger of yours... should i be the safe one and continue with the road that had been used like a thousand times, or should i brave myself and explore the route that is used less than 10?? will i be stronger walking through the tall grass?? or i be safe walking on top of the small weeds that had been step a few times.. standing there still, thinking which road to be taken...
and this reminds me of the poem i read in school.... the road not taken by robert frost :
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
in our life, it is always with choices, we look, we consider, we even weight both the decision.. the grass that obstruct part of your view, it represent the obstruction in the decision we took...we weight that it look likes it weigh the same...could it be the same asked our little heart...the bend we look into, represent the change in our life...could the bend bent at the same degree??? would we be still the same person we are after the bent?? our little brain wonder... down the road, down the muddy road, will my wagon ever had a chance to turn and back to the same junction i had been to??? will when i finally return to the same junction, i am still the same person judging the 2 roads?? will the route ever look the same?? without the footprint of mine???
had you ever wonder what would it be when we took the right, what makes us be if we were in the left?? i dont know about others, neither can i be bother about it... but at least i do...i did wonder if i ever take a turn to the right, what would happen to me if i were at the left??? would the accident that bound to happen on the right could be prevented if i turn my car to the left?? is the journey to the right is shorter compare to the journey on the left?? when i met my friends on the right, will that mean i lose the chance to meet them when i am on the left??? what is there waiting at the left?? at what price did i pay when i take up my determination... =) i just wondered..
but hey, i just wonder...never did i ever take a u-turn and back to the junction where i pick up the right and left the left forever unknown....life is full of excitement, well again depend on how we look at it...the right has it own excitement... has it own world to be explored...has it own grass that stand tall~ i took my determination, my courage to pick the unwanted road...again, i wear off my courage to continue going down the bent.. i had no idea how much it has mould me into...can i say i am still the same person who made the choice?? am i stronger from all the tall grass?? am i better off with choices next time in my life???
till the time i reach another junction, then my mysterious answer would be answered...
you might ask, am i in the right pathway?? will the sun finally shine on the road..
i had no idea...could i ever judge the route if it is right or vice versa... could i jump up and point my finger on the road and scream, I AM SO WRONG ON PICKING YOU.. could i say IF ONLY I CHOOSE THE OTHER INSTEAD OF YOU!!
no..i cant.. all road has it good and bad...it is basically the same..
the difference is that, how we learn from it...from the tall grass, from the pebbles on the road, from the sand that caught your eye, from the hot ray of the sun, each and everything taught us how to handle our life..and eventually when we walk out from this road, sometimes down the timeline, we will be someone we taught ourselves, we will be able to proudly say I AM WHO I AM...
2012 is nearing...what is my new year resolution?? each and every year i make a hell long list of it...but for this year, i would only make one...that is to live a simple happy life~ =) wish me luck!! ^^
[Chorus]
Don't you ever wish you were someone else,
You were meant to be the way you are exactly.
Don't you ever say you don't like the way you are.
When you learn to love yourself, you're better off by far.
And I hope you always stay the same,
cuz there's nothin' 'bout you I would change.
[Verse]
I think that you could be whatever you wanted to be
If you could realize, all the dreams you have inside.
Don't be afraid if you've got something to say,
Just open up your heart and let it show you the way.
[Chorus]
[Bridge]
Believe in yourself.
Reach down inside.
The love you find will set you free.
Believe in yourself, you will come alive.
Have faith in what you do.
You'll make it through.
[Chorus]
u can count on me like 1,2,3
i'll be there
and i know that i need it i can count on you like 4,3,2
and u'll be there..
that's what friends supposed to do oh yeah~
from Bruno Mars... =)
is it true that i can actually count on someone so out of thought, out of mind???
can i really throw temper, laugh loudly, present what i really feel to someone i call friend??
can i really trouble them and expect them not to be angry and no matter how many times they had to amend my mistake for me and yet quietly standing there for me again???
can i ???
i always thought that in this whole wide world, the only people i can be angry about, i can trouble about and i can really be who i am, expressed what i feel and confidently know that they are still here with me is none other than my own family member....they are the only people i know i can be who i am and nt being pretentious... because i know they are the people i can really count on~ and ps : this does not include someone i call boyfriend~ =D
dont ask me why this post..it just pass my brain..
face it, this world didnt revolve just around us...the world wont stop because of certain thing and certain person...
time heals someone, as well as remodel other... how long can we actually be the same person we used to be???
and how long since people stop condemn on others and look at themselves???
in this whole wide world, who will stop and look?? look on something that pass by... look on what they had just missed??? what that had just walk into their life...
everything and anything could be said...but could those everything and anything be done???
i dont know...and i wouldnt want to know~~
recently the amount of my family members decrease by one again... 4 years ago, i for the first time, really feel the loss of a family members (is the time when my granddad pass away, i am still young to know what it means by going away forever..although i remember the scene vividly but the feeling at that time,it is just like another normal day) who is my granny, now going thru again, everything is just like deja wu..
one of them said at one night, our family members goes down one again..when they gone, they gone forever.. no way where their face can be shown in the pictures anymore..no way we can hear their voices again~
that day i was in Sungai Petani when my mum called me...shaking, i answered the call.. "your aunty passed away already" ... shocked!! i know i supposed to get ready when i answered the call..i was hoping for another thing..just anything..or even wrong person..i am just shocked and surprised...just a fade answer "really? when??" i dont know what else should i say...it happen the same damn thing again... the time when my granny passed away, i received it thru call also!!! they say granny wants a cup of coffee..my mum volunteer to go and get it and i follow her... just a while, we received call that she passed away...
a while after when i finally sit down....i started to weep... she might be talking less to all of us....but then, the fact that ever since we stayed at the same apartment, she been a caring person, bringing food on friday knowing my mum doesnt cook on that day... the fact that i had been visiting her ever since she is sick, looking at her day by day deteriorating although i hate her children who is my cousin...it is still sad that she left the world... she was 50 something when she left the world...
they are right... when one person is gone, they gone forever..what is left in this world is nothing but memories of them... memories of their deeds... memories of their acts~
cherish them and dont be shy to say I LOVE YOU before it's too late... because once u are late in it, regrets will be there forever...
just like me..havent had the time to tell granny that i love her, she left...the fact that when she tries to tell me something about her belonging, i asked her not to think too much and get better faster..she continue to sleep..that day i sit beside her in the hosp... all day long and i didnt even say it to her... the next day, she left..and that when she left, even if i said it a thousand times, she wouldnt able to listen to it...i am sorry...i am sorry that i presented myself in a way u thought i wouldnt care..but then i actually care... and i care a lot... not only me, but we... we care a lot~
granny and aunty...rest in peace.. may your soul found the eternity happiness... =)
I LOVE YOU
saw one of my own post... "phailed fans" .. a post i wrote for our baby dolphin, junsu's birthday last year...
i wrote it in a way who junsu is in the eye of tvxq members...in my own interpretation when i watch them from rising sun era~ =) well, what a normal cassiopeia will feel about them~ wonder what will i write this year.. =)
it seems like it is already 2 years ever since that heartbreaking news announced and till now there is no sign of collide or whatsoever... dont ask me how is the lawsuit, i definitely had no idea~ how is kpop for now, i could only say enjoy the music...for the industry is too dark for a normal eye vision to analyze ... oh well, it could be me who had gradually stop stalking all this kpop~ =)
anyway, while reading about my post on dong bang shin ki, ultimately still my top favourite group, am i still keeping that faith??? am i still hoping them to comeback??? who am i now? still a cassiopeia???
i am still a cassiopeia~ just not an active one.. *giggle*
hoping them to comeback...how should i say it..i am still keeping my faith that 5 of them are coming back, keeping my belief that they are still friends and that everything happen it's because of money~ well, money is root of all evil right?? =)
it's just that for now, if they are happy with the way they are, i will support them as who they are... tvxq or jyj... they are still my beloved oppa~ =)
but then...if they could comeback then it would be the best~ =)
i still miss them~ i still rewatch all the funny clips of theirs...it's getting lesser in youtube~ good thing i had it in my external HD~ xD
cassiopeia~ i am still a cassiopeia with the red balloon... the promise i had made is still with me... i wish i could spam your twitter or anything but then i know a lot of fans will do the same thing..i will just wave the red balloon silently...=)
whee!! it's SM TOWN LIVE IN NEW YORK~ =)
for most of people who dont get me....SM TOWN is a group of singers all under the BIG INFLUENTIAL company called the SM ENTERTAINMENT... =D
SM ENTERTAINMENT aka SM엔터테인먼트 , is definitely not the SADISM and MASOCHISM entertainment but STAR MUSEUM... there are people saying SM stands for SOO MAN which is the name of the founder LEE SOO MAN~ =)
SM ENTERTAINMENT for most of kpop-ers knew, is a house of most KPOP big names like H.O.T (disbanded - top idol band in the 90s - only KANGTA is left in SME), S.E.S (disbanded - top girl group in the 90s), SHINHWA (top idol band in the 90s - left sme), BoA, DONG BANG SHIN KI aka TVXQ (still here but then long story - their influence is still phenomenal!!!!! dont deny their power..=D ), THE GRACE (nowhere to be seen but is famous for a while back in 2005), SUPER JUNIOR , GIRLS GENERATION, SHINEE and F(X)
so yeah, they are called the SM TOWN... if im nt mistaken they are the 1st to group all their artist to release albums and also holding concert...and now the first to hold concert in all over the world... =D let's not be in the state of denial and agree mr LEE is a great leader..great businessman ~ =D
anyway, they recently (just like 2 days ago??), held their concert in NEW YORK... can u believe it?? it's full!!!!!!!! FULL!!!!! im proud of this family...
they are a group of talented, hardworking and good looking artist...=) but well, most of the time their talents are critics by others mainly because haters hate the fact they are good looking and they can sing and also ... mainly because they are from SME which is so big and great in management, some butthurt fans just couldnt take the fact their oppa, unnie or dongsaeng is not up to par~ =D
life are full of jealousy~ xD
anyway here is the video upload by SM TOWN youtube~ let's just enjoy the show~
i have no idea why there is no KANGTA and also CSJH since dana and sunday had a comeback~ =.= if there is, i shall comeback with it~
i am upset...i seriously do~~
to as why???
=_____________________________=
i said i am coming back for a post on the current posting i am posted to which is psychiatric... =) i think most us knew what it means by psychiatric.. all this while, well at least me, had been having a distance or a gap towards people i label as insane~
wandering around, living in the world created by their own and to continue living in delusional state...lost of human primary function and lost of touch with the reality world..i had seen them and believe me, instead of i thought i would laugh at them for what they did, i actually found myself pity them...of course i am scared of them, there is a NO way i would stand alone in the ward or to let myself alone with those people..call me anything u like but then, u would never knew what they could do next...and top of it, there is , well i admit, there is a invisible wall separating me and them~ i am sorry for making myself a gap with people i called patient, but then, well, i am just basically...SCARED~ =)
i was in the car with my mum and we pass by the hospital well known of keeping psychiatric patient...my mum was saying, the god loves them so much that HE free them from the worries of the world and live in eternal happy...
my question is...is it the mercy from HIM or harshness from HIM as a result of karma??
i seen most of the patient....they indeed live in their own world, living in their-self-imaginary world... u can say they are living in eternal happiness, to forgot about the trouble human encounter all day long, the worrisome life and troublesome people and sadness of an events...
if i could choose to live in the world of insanity or in the world of sane, one with eternal happiness or the other with all taste of life u could ever imagine (to go way down low and to climb all the way up).....
i would choose to live in the world of sane...
life maybe full of ups and downs, and to certain people, it might have more down than up, so much of down that they probably forgot what it be like to be up...but doesnt this makes what we call LIFE?? the reason we had been going thru each day is to built this beautiful memories even with the down because without sadness, what are happiness right??? anyway, i told my mum, yes, it's nice that we dont have memory of the sadness and not going thru the torture of life, but then if one to be turn insane, they themselves forgot the happy moment of their life..basically their memories on themselves reduce to Z-E-R-O!!! i rather keep all the sadness in my memories and at one point of my life, i maybe passing by the place and recollects what had happen...
passing by the tree and said to probably my grandchild "ur granny fall down and hurt her butt before here"
passing by the school and said "aww, miss lim scolded me for not passing up my homework"
u know, it would be sad thing during that time but when collecting it after 10 years, it becomes something that u can really smile at and just by recalling, it makes u happy...believe me, try to recall something in your childhood to your friend and of course a bad experience to you at that time of event... =D
it would be sucks that time but gradually as time passes, it becomes something beautiful in your mind... =) mum may not notice it but everytime she recalls her hard teenage years, she actually say it with a smile...i know because i notice the graceful smile when she talks about it~ =)
the reason why people say TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS....
it's so true~ =D
beside this, the person to suffer with people like this, it would be none other than the family members... =(
some even dump their own family member in the ward, some were left alone....how it feels like when your family abandon you~ i dont know how it feels like and i never will...it's way to scary even just by imagining it~ i wonder if they even knew their own feeling???
is it really that the god had mercy on them??? or it's just merely a punishment ???
what do you think??? would u rather to gain eternal bliss or to continue living with the devils?
haha.. how long since i last update here.. hmmm, seems like it been 2 weeks??? or a month??? =D
anyway, i wanted to write something for the posting i had been in recently - psychiatric... but then as i was browsing around my blog, it seems like there is wayyyyyy too little or should i say negligible post on myself??? =) probably a good sign, probably not... hahahaha!!
having said that, well this post is dedicated...... TO MYSELF!! woohoot~ =) well im not going to post the "about me" corner... xD not going to grumble over something bad as well... i learn to appreciate what i had u know...after watching some certain people who i feel are unlucky compare to myself~ =)
oh....i tried to diet~ =D i wonder if it works out...because i feel that i am still FAT!!!!!! T_T i wonder how or when only my weight will drop another 5kg~~ oh god, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!! T.T okay, shut the damn crap...
i supposed to do more exercise rather than sitting down and looking at this pretty laptop~ =) sooner or later i will be like my own wallpaper... MR FOREVER BEAR!!
i danced tonight.. right after class, i started dancing till well 7pm?? okay, i am definitely exaggerating the time span..i only dance like...1 hour???? but the amount of hair drop on the floor and the sweat running down is a NO joke~ =D and well i am happy for the sweat but hating the part where i had to pick up my dear hair.. "please dont drop so much when i swing myself??" xD
as for dinner, lately i dont really had dinner... i had fruits as dinner!!! is it healthy?? my mum claimed it was unhealthy~ really??? o_O well to all, diet-ing is hard and torturing... why da hell do i plan to diet anyway~ sulk!!! T.T
!!!!!
i will write a post later on~ =) had to finish at least one set of notes~ xD
and i need to either buy/photostate BOOKS or....i couldnt study in peace~ T.T
